This one is for the Ladies especially…
In my quest for finding and living my true self, there are some amazing things that have come to light.
These things were able to come to the surface, because I am serious about this y’all.
What I am about to share with you is a true story a look deep into the inside of me.
I realize that I have been making some serious mistakes when it comes to men, dating, and relationships.
A couple things within just that sentence alone..
1. I have been dating/marrying (yes marrying..) boys and not men.
(No offense to the fellas reading this..it’s not about male bashing or hating, I am going somewhere with this..stick with me for a moment.)
2. I don’t know HOW to really date. No one ever taught me how..and I have ALWAYS been in a relationship..which leads me to point number 3.
3. I have never HAD a healthy relationship.
These are some serious truths I discovered about myself which led me to some serious introspection, and therefore some serious conclusions.
Of course I could say I never had any healthy role models, bad examples all around me.,blah,blah, blah. But in actuality the above stated 3 factors have led me to being exactly the person I did NOT want to be in relationships..or even LIFE. I realized that there is a part of me although wanting true love and happiness, that 1. Didn’t believe I really deserved it..and 2. Did everything consciously and unconsciously possible to sabotage my relationships.
Because a secret part of me up until this point believed that any man that I had would end up doing something crazy…thereby driving me crazy. Examples of the expectations that I was carrying:
1. To be cheated on
2. To be physically or verbally abused
3. To be lied to
4. To be abandoned
But guess what ladies?
I have been through every last one of these situations and I am still perfectly sane.
I am still living, breathing fabulous..and actually have experienced some major growth by choosing to NOT be in a relationship for a while, and work on me. When I began this work I started to notice a hyper critical voice that lived inside of me. Her voice is kind of like a mixture of my mother, my grandmother, and Big Ang. She became so loud with her criticisms of EVERYTHING that I had to give this part of me a name. Just so I could recognize when I wasn’t being my true self..and also so I could call her by name and tell her to Shut Up. I call her “Sheila.”
Now anyone who happens to be reading this blog, if your name is Sheila..please take no offense. It’s a perfectly good name, I just never liked it. I think it started with this girl named Sheila who stole my boyfriend in 4th grade and personally, I still just never liked it. Moving on..
It’s funny what happens when you start naming things, and calling them out. Gradually they start to lose power over you, because you have identified what they are all about and can then decide, if it works for you. This can apply to People, Behaviors, Situations..you get the gist. Anyway…
Sheila is crazy as hell.
Sheila will tell you she loves you one minute..and she hates you in the next 15. (Self Rejection)
Sheila will catch an instant attitude if she calls or texts you and you don’t answer within 5 minutes, because her theory is that “everyone always has their phone these days, so if they aren’t answering, then they are ignoring me.” (Fear of Abandonment)
Sheila will cuss your ass slam out for ignoring her..no matter who you are…
(appears as acting a damn fool translates to “wounded little girl”) and then after all the aftermath of Sheila being herself, things calm down and the voice of reason kicks in.
“What the hell did I just do!?” (Guilt >>Introspection)
I have asked this question to myself one too many times, until I was calm enough and clear enough to ACCEPT the answer.
“You have such a deep rooted fear instilled I yourself about all those things listed above happening to you..to the point where you are actually rejecting “yourself”…before anyone else can do it for you.”
Damn. That’s deep.
This has been my story. Until Today.
Because Today…I get it.
Yes I have dated and married all those types of men before, because that it what I CHOSE.
Not because every man out there is like that. (Men..I told you I was going somewhere with this).
Once again here I have to refer to the Law of Attraction..and the concept that we draw to us the things (or people) that are a vibrational (or energetic match) to us at the time.
I was consistently Drawing To Me What I Was Fearing, Simply Because..
That’s where my focus was!
All those crazy dudes I talked about before?
I allowed their crazy to become MY crazy and in the process..I lost..or never even found..who I really am.
But I DID get what I was focused on..lol
The Universe has some serious jokes at times.
Who I really am..is a cool confident woman who has made it through trials and tribulations that would break the average MAN..let alone WOMAN..
Through the cheaters, the beaters, the liars,and the ones who weren’t worth an ounce of my time.
Like the Lotus Flower which is one of the rare breeds of Flower that is able to grow and Blossom..literally anywhere..even through the Mud.
Each time my focus became clearer…
Until I began to learn that it’s not that One has to “See To Believe.” but one has to:
“BELIEVE TO SEE.”
I became stronger in myself and realized what I don’t want and what I won’t stand for..which lead me..to what I DO want and what I DO stand for.
I have raised four sons into respectable, responsible Men..with so many morals and manners that it makes people confused and do double takes when they hear them speak.
I have earned not one, but two degrees..I am waiting on my Masters diploma to arrive in the mail as we speak.
I have been recruited and promoted within one of the best companies in the WORLD.
and I could go on..but I won’t.
The point here is that when I look in the mirror Today..I don’t see the same person that I used to see. I see a woman fully evolving and coming into her own. Knowing her worth and value..knowing that she IS indeed deserving of love. Believing That. Actual Love..and willing to settle for nothing less than.
Willing to work for it and put forth the effort for the man..who is equally deserving and who himself already recognizes also that he does indeed deserve the same.
Today, I dropped the baggage and somewhere up underneath it all..I found myself.
It’s time to move on..
That life you read at the beginning..was that of a person who no longer exists.
Today, I have learned to Love…Me. Because you see before…I wasn’t loving myself.
Oh, and I broke up with Sheila.